Episode 01 – Sept 05, 2009
First “real” show of the season – and by that I mean, no more painful auditions and over-dramatised “I forgot the lines but made a redeeming come back!” episodes – but maybe I shouldn’t speak too soon.
They certainly don’t make time for dicking about tonight, the show’s credits fade and Andrew G holds the card which in turn holds the fate of 2 of the 12 wildcards (12? Sorry, wasn’t paying attention, too busy picking lint from my belly button to count.) Who wants to bet that what was in Andrew’s envelope wasn’t the results, but rather a fancy love note from Dicko?
Andrew G reminds us for the thousandth time that the fate of these idol’s were in the hands of the Australian public and is not dissimilar to the fate of Fantasia in The Never Ending Story – and funnily enough, to me Idol has felt like one great big Never Ending Story… or should I say, journey.
Before we have time to shield ourselves from the glare of JD’s forehead, Andrew G tells us that Tobey, here on out know as TILF, (does this need explaining? I’d tell you to Google MILF and keep in mind he is a teacher, but I cannot be held responsible for the query results one may find.) is the first contestant in the top 12 from the wildcard.
Tilf grins proudly, like he’s actually achieved something. Awe, cute. Douche face G reminds us again that it was the public’s vote that won him the spot. Thanks for reminding me G, you can see surely how easy it would be to forget with what, the commercials that command me to vote for my favourite idol being rammed unceasingly in to my watchful eyes and reaping havoc on my subconscious.
So, the public got him through? More like hormone votes got him through – from the old and the young! I quite like Tilf – but I am not sure how much of that like has to do with talent. (For the record, and my own righteousness, a friend and I call him Tilm, cos we aren’t dirty young girls, and we’re both ready for husbands – oh, and maybe we’re prudes.) Oh well, girls will be girls. Tilf apologizes half-heartedly to his students about the fact that he won’t be back so soon. G tries to crack a funny about how they will no doubt be giving the substitute a hard time for a few more weeks. Har D Har Har. May I remind you, Andrew G, that this is not a 1990s American sitcom, but it is real life. Sort of. Toby points out that the substitute will have a substantially thicker pay packet. Common sense, I like that in a man, tilfy! But I’m still not spending my money on a post-pubescent vote, sorry.
Up next. Hayley. Hayley got in! We like Hayley…. Or do we? I don’t remember. Hayley jumps around with excitement. She reminds me of someone and it bugs the crap out of me. Oh, right… She is reminiscent of ye olde Brandon Walsh’s crazy wench girlfriend, Emily Valentine. It took me awhile to peg this one cos I didn’t recognize her without a pocket full of mixed drugs and bottle of kerosene at her disposal to burn the shit out of the West Beverly High festival float the gang were working tirelessly on! Old Valentine (Hayley) is a bit cute. I like her hair. Once I tried to replicate something similar with my own – but I ended up looking like Toad from Super Mario Bros.
At this point Marcia blows some smoke up their backsides about them all being so friggin’ great. Andrew G nods in agreement. Sheep you are, the bloody lot of you.
Casey gets in next. Why? I can’t remember his performances… which may or may not have been because I didn’t want to subject myself to such high levels of mediocre singing. I think he said a swear, whatever it was, he apologizes. Andrew tells him it was a valid reaction. Already I fear for the future of the show in the coming weeks. I’m bored.
Dicko reiterates the same crap Marcia just said. Raising the bar, saddling up for a great journey, etc… Do these judges have a long list of clichés on the judging panel ready to whip out and use? The words genre, evolve and believable keep invading my dreams each night! JD offers nothing – well maybe he did. I wouldn’t know, he has the personality of a tree stump.
They pick the coffee guy, what’s his name? I couldn’t tell you because he is so bloody forgettable. Actually, no strike that – I do remember how badly he sang a Stevie Wonder classic – like he was dabbling in local theatre. Surprise, surprise, another crap choice from our judges. Like always, cute halfway decent singers always get carried too far. Coffee guy smiles – I think he said something but you see I couldn’t hear him over the sound of the stampede of teenage girls running for their pre-paid phones to get to voting! He makes a terrible joke about feeling like he has just had a double expresso? It wasn’t well received, in fact so much so that Andrew G glossed right over it and welcomed them to the top 12.
Ashley kicks off the first performance of the top 12 for 2009. Think I’ll call her gags from now on and it’s not because she’s funny. Why? Her voice seems to come from the back of her throat as if it’s on the cusp of making her gag. And in turn, that makes me want to gag. She sings the Kelly Clarkson song, “Miss Independent” but not before the good folks down at Idol treat us to a “package” of her hanging out with her family. I felt like my eyes were deceiving me for a moment – was this truly a singing family? Or was it just The Osmonds coming back to haunt us?! Anyway, she sang, I gagged on reaction. Gags can sing, sure, if you don’t mind feeling choked when you listen. Judges comments inane and border on deceit when they tell her she is just like Kelly Clarkson. Uh, no she’s not.
Scott goes next. I quite like Scott’s voice but when I saw his “package” (Goodness, I feel like such a perve.) I was turned off by the instant boganism. Scott asks his brother if he’d just farted. Thank you for reminding me that we are watching an Australian TV Show. They interview tradies, show us Scott hard at work with a voice over talking about how they’d never heard him sing before this show. And finally, a gentle strumming of an Eric Clapton ditty on a guitar. I am sorry, but am I the only person who finds it a ridiculous bold-faced lie that not one person has ever heard the guy sing ‘til now? Did you see him play the guitar? He was quite good! How could they have not heard him sing! Vote-pulling card, I bet you! If it’s a façade then checkmate my dear Scott, you’re not as dopey as some would believe!
He does the Michael Jackson version of a Beatles song, Come Together. Make no mistake, I am every bit the Michael Jackson fan (and was even before his death.) and so let us just say I didn’t appreciate his lack-lustre performance. Trying to replicate the air guitar move on the drummer? Come on now, that’s enough. JD whinges about it being a good performance but questions his choice. Uh, cos he likes the song? Marcia asks him how he felt. Dicko says it was good and gives him some pathetic chocolate-coated insult about not knowing what the hell he is doing.
You know what Dicko; I sometimes think the same about you.
Casey performs a song I’ve never heard of… I tuned out because I found out insanely boring. And I wonder, is it a pre-requisite that each Idol contestant must have a story of adversity and then must share with the public how he or she overcame it? I’m compassionate, don’t get me wrong, but I’d never want to share my shiz like that – and if I did, I’d totally ham it up to really ensure I get the votes. My parents were drug mules for a bunch of high-class Ecuadorian bankers and I often got caught in cross-fires, and I would sometimes stop the siege by serenading them with Broadway show tunes… which is of course, how I found my voice – other times, I was shot. In fact, I still have the bullet wounds to prove it. (I’d then show my navel.)
Ricki Lee opens from the commercial interviewing Hayley’s Mum. She’s glad Hayley got in because music is totalleh her pashhhunn!! (Her’s and just about everyone else’s on this darn show.) Valentine is singing an Evermore song called The Light Surrounding You which I have never heard. I should probably confess, I rarely listen to the radio. She was pleasant. Oh, and she also has a story of adversity too! Hayley takes a Polaroid photo of herself at the end of her package… how left of the middle! Performance is pretty good, although she makes some facial expressions that would impress any Celine Dion fan.
Dicko says her voice isn’t pristine, but that’s all right cos originality and energy works for her. Whoa, thank goodness, cos I was starting to think Australia might have made the wrong choice. Is it just me, or does Dicko worry an awful lot about song choices? He worries for hers. He’s a very caring and concerned sort of man, that Dicko. He can’t take his eyes off her… Marcia says it’s one of her all time favourite songs – really Marcia, really? She then tells Hayley to get help from Erina; your voice is crap and if Erina doesn’t have time, ask your fellow contestants. What? Sure, I’d be taking advice from people I am up for a record contract against. Hey, Hayley drink loads of milk before going on stage and smoke 3 cigars consecutively to get the best out of your voice. Twits. JD talks about how tense she gets, don’t be so tense Hayley. JD is icky.
Oh Goody, Andrew G is reminding us once again to get behind our favourites. Oh where have I heard that before? Oh, never mind.
James is next. I’m going to call him Feldman. Why? Because he reminds me of Corey Feldman and Corey Feldman is not okay with me. This guy looks like a pre-pubescent Belvedere from Bert Newton’s show (and Corey Feldman.) He wants to show us that just cos he’s from the country doesn’t mean he has to sing country. Only, all the videos in the package are of him singing country stuff. He sings a The Fray song, How To Save A Life. Credit where credit is due, he has a decent voice… although he’s just like a little Anthony Callea replica… Wait, did I say little? That could be considered an ironic statement. Oh, close up of Feldman’s face… dreamy… And the teenies go running for the phones again!
Marcia pulls another load of crap clichés. Pitched it, light and shade, she just wants to say well done… Does she ever say anything else? JD admits he’s bagged him. I’m sorry; did he just say he’s happy that he chose a dress? “Well Meated”? That’s a new one, but apparently it’s on the clichéd list cos I’ve heard it from both Marcia and Dicko now.
Sabrina is up next. Adversity story. She had agoraphobia. She is getting over it, big ups to Sabrina. She’s going to sing a Michael Jackson song, and I’m probably going to roll in petrol and set myself on fire in pure horror. Oh, Earth Song by Michael Jackson…
Well there was certainly a lot of screaming involved. Think it’s safe to say she can hold a note, but must she scream? JD says, “damn you can sing” and makes reference to the Jarvis Cocker / Michael Jackson stunt. And it is with protectiveness for MJ that I wonder why it isn’t yet possible for technology to allow me to reach through the television screen and punch JD square in the cags, and then confiscate Sabrina’s microphone for the remainder of the competition – and also her hairspray.
Dicko tells her she’s dramatic, and she’s over-coached and it was like a Mediterranean soap opera. She mares up and disagrees and says he doesn’t know her well enough. Dicko points out that if after 7 performances he doesn’t know her, its cos she’s not showing herself.
Check. And. Mate. Maybe history has occurred, but I agree with Dicko. And yet Sabrina doesn’t have the dignity to pipe down just yet, she calls upon Marcia’s advice and says it’s the only one that counts. Really Sabrina? Is that cos Marcia never has anything constructive to say? I mean, really, why is Marcia being paid again?
Andrew G asks if she agrees with the judges. She launches in to a tirade about how she is naturally dramatic, and she IS naturally animated (really, she looks human to me.) Dicko tells her she is taking up people’s time naturally and to get off. The first smart thing the guy has said all night.
Nathan is lovely… but he reminds me of Ian Thorpe… His friends point out he spends more time on his hair than the girls – ‘nuff said. He sings a song I’ve never heard by One Republic. (Apparently Andrew G claimed it a smash hit, maybe I should turn on the radio sometime.) It is during this performance that I decide that all pairs of skinny jeans should be removed from the planet. Mate, just cos they’re called skinny jeans doesn’t mean that everyone looks skinny in them! Sometimes they’re just not that flattering.
Nathan’s got the notes, and the notes get the votes (cliché from Dicko.) and a falsetto that should make Darren Hayes jealous. Dicko says it’s a great fit. He says he has hints of other textures in his tone… I wonder what textures my voice has in it. Marcia commends his song choice, tells him he sings the big notes cos he can. No shit, Sherlock. JD wants to see him explore every personality he has. What the hell does that mean? Is Nathan’s adversity a little fling with split personalities?! (SCOOP!)
Stan Walker is next. Adversity story a-foot. He had a lot to deal with growing up, he even sheds tears. Man, even I almost picked up my phone. Almost.
I suppose Stan thinks he is going to be doing something extremely unique with the arrangement of Rihanna’s hit Umbrella. But guess what, Stan!? You didn’t. I’ve heard this arrangement by both Mandy Moore and Guy Sebastian in the past. No offense, but both of theirs were much better. Good try. Judges tell him that they love him, Dicko doesn’t express his concern for Stan’s song choice, Marcia says nothing as usual and JD takes a long time as always to say about the same as Marcia. He wants to see Stan “come out” … interesting. Dicko loves talking to him and misses him.
So much homosexual innuendo in the first episode. What the diddly hoo-ha is going on?
Tilfy is next! He seems like a very good guy, and doesn’t have a girlfriend. What a catch! He’s a country boy at heart and wants to scratch his musical itch. Interesting. He’s singing Creep by Radiohead. Oh please, oh please, oh please be better than Damien Leith’s 2006 version. The lyrics of this song (I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo) probably don’t mesh well with his career – a case for Freud, perhaps?
JD asks about his popped collar. Um, goes on to say it doesn’t matter ‘cos he did well with the song. What was the purpose? He’s sexy says JD. Why not get him on the panel and get it over with, JD? Gosh… Marcia blabs a bunch of senseless drivel about not hating her cos he is sexy? What evs, Marcia. I don’t hate you cos he’s sexy, I hate you cos you say redundant things all the frigging time.
Oh, so Kim is next. She has a story of adversity too. She ran away to Townsville to get away from family issues. She’s apparently sick of talking about it though – only well… here we are. It’s apparently her time now. I beg to differ as she sings this Foo Fighter’s song, “The Best Of You.” She has taken to the stool – and I mean a seat, not the other kind, singing an awfully repetitive song. Only one thing comes to mind to say; her teeth are suspiciously white.
Dicko says she drew focus with the unplugged treatment. Marcia says it was fantastically executed. Executed hey, I’d like to execute the use of more Australian Idol clichés. JD says nothing useful again. Andrew G asks how it felt. She says it made her feel great. Voting lines are open, he reminds us for the billionth time.
Coffee guy is next. Can’t wait… While the ad break is on, I ponder the meaning of life and how it was exactly that Ricki Lee got this job and for what purpose.
Package begins with Coffee guy lip-syncing to Guy Sebastian’s Memphis soul. Weird. He says he works in coffee. He also plays lawn bowls. His friends say he really would help old ladies cross the road. Oh, goody, so I guess that means he doesn’t break their kneecaps and steal their early-bird special money. He is singing Halo by Beyonce. People will vote for him because he’s cute, so really who cares if it’s any good or not. Marcia waffles on about one of her own songs and somehow likens it to his performance, similarly to how Oprah always relates her weight issues to someone else’s adversity in interview she does. JD is rooting for him. Dicko thinks he looks a million dollars. And he was worried again, aw what a stellar guy!
The world keeps spinning. Bring on Kate.
Kate is the proudest lil Aussie you’ll ever meet, apparently. “I love moi country!” (Direct quote, too) although she sings with a very, very American accent. Kate’s story actually is very sad, and her story always makes me feel terrible for her. I quite like her.
What I wish for Kate is that she would stop wearing clichéd cowgirl outfits. They’re not really flattering and she is actually a really good-looking chick. At least we can be thankful she isn’t wearing skinny jeans. To be honest, I have no idea what song this is, “Stuck in the middle with you” JD says she never fails to disappoint… JD tells her to refine. She replies with “Good on ya!” Dicko says he spends most of his time on the panel teaching young contestants about branding (cow branding?) and how to find something unique… Uh, that’s a bold-faced lie and you darn well know it, Dicko. You spend all your time on the panel spewing ridiculous clichés. I wonder if they’re listening to the same song I was, cos it kind of … well, sucked.
Andrew G once again reminds us that the voting lines have been opened. He gives us yet another look at the numbers. If they cut this phone shit out of the show, it could probably be a half an hour show.
What disappointed me the most this episode were not any of the performances, but rather the many other clichés that our beloved judges failed to use;
“An honest performance”
“You’re really evolving as an artist.”
“I believed you.”
“I didn’t believe your performance.”
“You sold it.”
“You upped the ante.”
“You raised the bar.” (JD could get a lot of use out of this one, I’m sure.)
Andrew promises us that Rock Week will be next week with Suzie Quatro. And a quick plug for Ricki Lee and Wes Carr’s next gig. Can’t wait to miss that.
And that’s all from my judging panel for this week. I want to know what your favourite idol (or Reality TV show) clichés are! Well, actually, I don’t really care, but share them with me anyway.
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